Where do you draw the line?

Sometimes I think I know what I’m doing, but most of the time, if I think about anything too much, I get lost in a maze of questions, judgments, doubts and fears. The only sure-fire remedy I have found is to stay anchored in the moment, and trust my gut feeling. Some of the best things in life just happen, and are absolutely free. A wink… a smile. Someone who  listens without interfering. A look that accepts, without judgment, no matter what. We all have these gifts to give… it’s up to us to choose to give them. I’m learning to love and accept my body and my sexuality by “re-visualizing” them… by seeing them differently through drawing, photography, and the eyes of the gentle people behind cameras who have photographed me to help change my perspective. This “way of seeing” is a simple gift that I have received and am able to pass on to others, if I choose to.

Someone I photographed a few years ago asked me to tell his story, or rather our story, which I am doing here, along with a drawing I made of his penis from a photo he emailed me. He’d contacted me through friends via email, asking if I’d be willing to photograph him – in particular, if I’d photograph his penis while he masturbated and ejaculated. Because I’d had the opportunity to photograph nude men before, and because this aspect had naturally come up in the past in the most respectful and respected ways, I didn’t balk. I wrote back for details, and to get a feel for his intentions, but felt comfortable enough to agree to the photo shoot.

Like most females, I’d had the fear of penises instilled in me from a very young age, apparently to protect me. A healthy self-defensive fear of men, I guess; of rape or abuse, of disrespect or aggression. And rightly so, because control scenarios between men and women are dangerously played out every day. But my experiences photographing people in this capacity had been so easy, so honest, and so touching that I’d grown confident. I felt that if intentions were clear and I listened to my gut, everything would be fine. But I was still nervous, and when he arrived, I felt the need to make sure we were on the same page. I had never spoken to anyone quite this way before, but after inviting him into the studio, chatting for a few minutes and re-establishing what he was there for, I was surprised to hear myself laying down the law. I guess I needed to hear it myself, to quiet my fears, but there I was, telling him I was happy to photograph him, but I would not touch, I would not tease or encourage, I would not participate other than to simply be a silent witness with the camera. This session was just for him; I was using his camera, with his memory chip, and the pictures would remain his property. He didn’t seem to mind my declarations, nor did he seem to seek anything more, so we went forward and did the shoot, which was a gentle dance of trust between two virtual strangers.

There is something about being behind a camera that allows detachment, and enables me to become a very present, yet uninvolved observer. I can look without judging, without questioning or desiring… it’s very maternal, really, like bathing a baby with your eyes. And I believe that offering this kind of vision can be healing, because it has certainly healed me… for free. So, in spite of the fact that I have seen a lot more nude bodies than the number of lovers I’ve been sexually involved with, I have had the opportunity to learn to look and honour and appreciate the male (and female) body beyond the need to touch or possess it. And the people I have photographed, in turn, trusted me enough to let me in to their vulnerable space without feeling that they needed to possess or attack me in the process. It is quite refreshing to be able to simply look at and accept people as they are… and equally refreshing to be looked at that way, no matter what you’re doing. Can we not relearn to see the human body (including a penis ejaculating) as a beautiful thing rather than something forbidden, pornographic, or dirty? I believe we can, but only if we learn to re-see it, with acceptance and compassion, instead of fear and suspicion. Abuse exists, but abuse is not ALL there is. We have to feed the respect in whatever ways we can.

I haven’t talked a lot about these or other photo shoots because most people are so quick to imagine the worst and to judge, out of fear. But I am now, because he asked me to, because he needed to be seen and I was happy to be the one who could look lovingly. I asked him to share his thoughts on the experience too, so it’s not always so one-sided, and here’s what he wrote:

“I had been a private exhibitionist for many years. What that meant to me was that I tried to find opportunities to show myself off in a way that was non-offensive and was portrayed as innocent and an accident. I think this stemmed from an experience I had when I was 11, when I was sent to stay at my parents’ friends for a week in the summer. They had a farm and we would swim in the lake. One day I was swimming with their daughter, who if i recall was 15 or 16 at the time. We were swimming alone and my bathing suit came off when I dove in. She grabbed it and would not let me put it back on. I felt very humiliated but very excited. She proceeded to taunt me as I had an erection. Long story short, she got me to masturbate for her. She threatened me not to tell anyone.

Since that experience, I have on occasion, allowed myself to get turned on by accidentally showing myself off (window, hotel room, beach, etc.) but just a simple flash. I had never masturbated in front of any one since. So I am not sure what came over me, but wanting to be safe I thought the best way to try and re-enact this would be to have someone photograph me. The day I came to your studio I was so nervous. My heart was pounding out of my chest when I came up the stairs. I was even more nervous when I saw you. You were beautiful, kind and I could feel your genuineness. You made me feel very comfortable.

The actually photo shoot was a blur, I was so excited, nervous, embarrassed but AMAZING. It felt like I was on a drug. My skin felt electric. Having you watch me from all angles, taking pictures and finally ejaculating with someone who was not condescending and genuinely interested in helping me achieve my goal was very, very special.”

Oh – and just an anecdote to add to the anecdote – he left my studio with his camera and his memory stick and emailed me a few days later to let me know that he’d accidentally erased the whole series of photographs before even seeing them – so, in the end, while there was a plan and a result, it remained invisible… but I know that we both got something very positive from the experience. V.

Tags: genitals, image, male, masturbation, penis, photography, pornography, respect, self